Published July 13, 2008
It's over. It's so over. Your smell of cheap cologne is nauseating. Your once lovable touch makes my skin crawl. I can't believe I had once loved you. You promised that we would be the only forever. You said that we would still be going strong when all of our friends had separated. I used to love you. But now, only your lies spark my interest.
"Come on! There's only a half an hour 'till his party Jade!You haven't even come over to get ready yet!" my best friend Ice squealed over the phone.
"I don't know why you're making me go to his party, Ice. We just broke up last week. I'd be unwanted." I fired back exasperatedly over the phone, rolling my eyes even though she couldn't see it. I really didn't want to go to Bryce's party.
Ice didn't say anything.
"Okay. I'm on my way," I said, picking up my keys, "But we're using your stuff, OK?"
"Whatever. Hurry over." Ice screamed back. She was excited.
Clicking my phone off, I grabbed my outfit- a tight, black spaghetti strap belly shirt and a short, neon green mini skirt- and walked out of my bathroom door and into my room. I was going over to Ice's house to do my hair and make-up. Ice also had the rest of my outfit-my high-heeled black clunky boots and my green and black leggings.
Reluctantly hauling my stuff into the hallway, I checked the hallway clock. 4:45. I still had an hour until the party. Oh well, I thought, no need to speed.
"Bye Mom. Bye Dad!" I yelled on my way out of the door. I barely heard their distinct reply over the the slamming of the garage door. I climbed into the car and started the engine. Ice's house was only a 15 minute drive from mine.
Soon after getting on her road, I saw her house from my Portia's windshield. I slowed down, then parked in her drive-way.
We had a party at Ices' house, remember? It was when her parents were on their second honeymoon. You, me, Ice, and Rodney. It was a blind date for Ice. I'm glad they hit it off. Rodney is still a gentleman from then to this day, but we enjoyed 7, no, more like 20 minutes in heaven. My heaven turned to Hell.
I saw Ice waiting for me in curlers on her huge front porch. Her house was three stories. Living room, kitchen, and the dining room were on the first floor. The bedrooms and bathrooms were on the second, while the study was on the topmost level.
"Hey, girl!" I yelled from my window. "Come and help me get my stuff."
We got my stuff from the car and retreated to Ice's room. When Ice closed the door, she looked at me with all the seriousness I had ever seen from her.
"What?" I asked.
"Guess who called me and asked if you were coming?"
"Who?"
"Bryce. He still has feelings for you, Jade!" She said. "He loves you!"
"Well, I don't return the favor."
Briing. Briing.
Ice's private phone went off.
"Hello? This is Ice." Her eyes widened with surprise to whoever called her.
"Who is it?" I whispered loudly.
"Oh yeah, Bryce. She's here. Oh...you want to talk to her? Sure, here she is." Ice handed the phone to me.
"Ice! What the hell is wrong with you?" I said, covering up the phone with my hand so Bryce wouldn't hear me.
She gave me a look that said sorry and I answered the phone.
"Hello?" I asked Bryce.
"See you at the party, Jade. You might not ever come back from it though."
Then he hung up.
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140,912 Literary Works • 673,731 Reviews
It's a good start. The only real thing I would say is you need more detail. Sense it's from Jade's perspective you need more of her thoughts in it. What is she thinking at all times.
Definitely continue though it sounds good
I'm working on reviewing it on TRC, Lexie, but it's slow going because I'm sleepy and chocolate isn't helping me wake up.
Wow, that's really good. I liked how you ended it with the little cliffhanger. It makes me want to keep reading, which is always a good thing. I also liked how you described the scene with Ice-very nice. But I do agree with other people-you need to not tell things, you need to show readers in their imaginataions. Showing is like clay-you can shape it and do pretty much whatever you want with it. But overall, I think it's pretty good. Keep working!
Can you say crrreeeppyy??? I can't imagine how I would react to that if someone said that to me!
But anyway, back to your story...
I see that everyone basically has you covered in all the areas considered, like grammer, spelling, yatta, yatta, yatta.
But I must say, you need to make sure that you don't over TELL things. I mean, when you write, you want to paint a mental image for the reader and I didn't feel like you did that. More description is a must. But I think you have the plot down. You know where you want to go with this and I say, go for it!
Keep Writing!
Hey.
To begin with the nesgative, I had three problems with this: Bad punctuation, you have a tendency to repeat yourself, and state the obvious.
Puncuation is vital. It's important for a piece to look sharp and professional
It seemed like you stated how she went into her room about three different times in three different ways. We get it. Try to avoid that.
Example for stating the obvious: I really didn't want to go to Bryce's party. That's kind of obvious... There were a couple others, but I'm being lazy and won't go back to find them.
On the plus side, I loved your intro and your last line. Oh, but I would cut the "Then" in front of "he hung up". Makes more of an impact.
Hope this helps. Good luck with editing.
cool man that was really good
don't make any changes
casue i found no flaws this should have like a nother chapter or somthign i liked it.
KEEP GOING
Creepy, but too creepy for the begining. I know she is going to go to the party, its obvious. Thats the problem, if somebody said that to me I'd be like "Hell no, I'm not going!" The ending of this chapter made this story lose all its reality, because it lost all its common sense. I hate to write this, but its true. You made it too creepy to fast.
Okay, the flashbacks, as said in the title, are painful for her to remember.
Oh, and deafwriter, have you ever heard of the R.L Stein books? Usually, in the beginning, there's just a misunderstanding in the horror, like a prank or whatnot.
Clograbby, she hates him. I'm still working on that part, but she hates him. I'm going to explain more in the next chapter. Thanks for the positive reviews.
Amber, what do you mean by telling? I'm telling you a story with descriptiveness, aren't I?
Thanks for all of the good reviews, and hopefully I'll get the next chapter out as soon as I can.
I am too late to point out grammar mistakes and things of the sort so all that is left for me to say is good job!
I liked it a lot. You describe her feelings really well, we are there with her.
I want to know what happens! Cliff hanger! Hurry to write more!
Heya!
I really liked this, especially the way you (as the title suggested) flashed back from present time to small chunks of memories. I think it added to the story a lot.
deafwriter_19 covered most of what I would have said, so there's no need for me to bore you with overrepeating - just know that I back him up.
I do think you spelled portia wrong though. It should be Porsche - yeah, that's right.
Good job and merry writing! If you have any questions feel free to PM me!
~Bella~
Heya, writin! Love your username. ^_~
Wonderful intro.
Try not to say names too much.
Unless it's important plot-wise, we don't need to know that. And capitalize the.
What? Okay, random. Try mentioning before this that she's thinking of him.
"she said". Unless a proper noun or a new sentence unrelated to the dialogue, you don't capitalize words after dialogue.
Oh wow! Scary ending!
But why would he hold such animosity toward her? You never mention that it was a bad break up, or that she tormented him to any degree. I think it's important to mention who exactly broke whose heart in this segment - then if he does seek out revenge, we have an an understanding of where the fault exactly lays from the get-go, and we can understand his character a little better.
Thanks for the read! C: PM me if you have any questions!
Okay, so this was a good story. But you're launching in the horror too fast. And the foreshadowing is too heavy. I hate to be brutal, but you need to stretch out the tension more. Don't break out cackling saw-wielding maniacs by the second chapter. Good job, though.
Okay.. creapy. SHe's not comeing back? SOrry but I finally figured out what showing and telling is. There's a lot of telling. I don't mean to be picky. It just is the way it is. Hope this helps any.
-AMber
wow! thats amazing!
i love this part! its so deep and gives me a good picture.
i dont get this so much.
this is my favorite part! keep writteing and good luck!
wow!
this is freaky. i like it.
i more to read more of this. you must work on the second part.